Finding That Fire Again

Season 2, Episode 30

Finding That Fire Again

This week I’m talking about the nerves, excitement and unexpected spark that has come with preparing for my first presentation with The Change Room and what happened when I tested it out on a much smaller audience at Mum’s Bible study.

In this episode:

• Preparing for my first big speaking presentation and managing the anxiety that comes with it
• Realising I can be emotional while telling my story and still keep going
• Why making an impact doesn’t require a huge audience
• Losing my policing identity and still asking, “Who am I now?”
• Finding a new sense of purpose and something that has given me that fire again
• The unexpected comment at Bible study that stopped me in my tracks: “Maybe your new gun is your voice.”
• Why “we are still blooming in concrete” feels so relevant to recovery
• Song of the Week: “Birds Still Sing”
• Thought of the Week: from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
• Remembering how far we’ve come instead of only looking at how far there is still to go

Finding your voice in the chaos.

Be kind to yourself.

Song of the Week:
Birds Still Sing by Taylor Acorn
https://youtu.be/AXOtAAGNajk?si=tIrSirJBR7J4iJ2N

Thought of the Week:
“We have such a long way to go…” said the boy. “Yes, but look how far we’ve come.”
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy

Transcript

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Welcome Back And Big Week

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey there, welcome to Mad Mel's Mike. Thanks for joining me. My name is Melissa and this is a podcast all about me, about my life, about my life with PTSD, about my life with the husband and kids and friends and everything in between. Thanks for tuning in. Hey everybody and welcome to another episode of Mad Mel's Mike, season two, episode 30. Wow. 30 episodes of season two, and there were 35 of last season. Isn't it amazing that I'm able to bring an episode every week and still have stuff to talk about? But I've had a very exciting week, very exhausting. So let's jump into it and get this episode started. So thanks again for tuning in to another episode. I really do appreciate everybody taking their time out of their week to listen to my voice. Hopefully, my voice isn't too mundane, and you go, Oh, here we go again. Here's Mel's voice. Oh, makes me go to sleep. Anyway, thank you. I really, really appreciate it. I have had a huge week. And I mean huge. It's been exciting and exhausting, inspiring, and it's just incredible what opportunities have arisen in these last couple of weeks. But I actually just wanted to sort of touch on that I have been shitty bricks um knowing what is to come next week with my first presentation with the change room, and I have been putting a lot of time and effort into my presentation. I've had to start this present presentation from scratch, and that in itself takes a long time, but also then just practicing it and delivering it and things like that. So it's been been very exciting, and I am very gracious about what I opportunity I've been given.

Song Of The Week And Hope

SPEAKER_00 2:05

But before we get any deeper into that, and I pull my heart and soul out, let's get into the song of the week, which is Birds Will Sing by Taylor Akon. So let's have a listen. And regardless of whether you have a physical injury, a mental health injury, a relationship breakdown, it's hard. And I think it is so so important to remember that birds still sing on bad days and that flowers do grow around graves, and I think that should give us a little bit of hope. The moon moves in phases. Isn't that so nice? Because the phase that you are in now is just a season, and I think that's so important to realize that we're not stuck in this forever. And give yourself a little grace. That's what she's saying, that this is the phase, but we need to give ourselves grace. And this last one is my favorite. If you look close where the cracks mean, we're still blooming in concrete. And isn't that just such a beautiful way of looking at that? That even in our darkest times and in our hardest times, we are still blooming and we are still growing. And I think that's something that I've really been resonating with myself over the last couple of weeks: is that something that I thought would be the end of me, the loss of my career, the loss of my identity, the loss of my purpose, is that something magnificent, which is this podcast and the opportunities that it has presented for me, has still been blooming in all of that hardness and blooming in that concrete. And I just want to say a huge thank you to my mate who I met in hospital for sending that song to me. And I just think it fits in really, really well what I want to talk about this week as well.

Rehearsing A Vulnerable Talk

SPEAKER_00 4:21

So had a big week, left on Friday, um, went and caught up with mates who I grew up with, which was incredible. Haven't seen them for quite a while, and they're the type of mates that you don't speak to or see for months and months or years on end, and then you catch up again, and it's like we had spoken yesterday, and I think those friendships are really important. But um then I spent some time with mum and dad, and something unexpected happened this week. And like I said, I've been working really bloody hard on this presentation for the change room, and I'm starting to overthink things, um, I'm starting to get nervous. I'm also very excited and very grateful for this opportunity, and I've been practicing, and I've been practicing. So I had pre-recorded my presentation, and then I did uh quite a lot of driving over the last five days, and most of the time while I was driving, I was listening to the presentation, so I could just just get the gist of it in my brain. Um, but I went to mum and dad's and she goes, Look, I've got a few things on my way here. I said, Yeah, that's fine. And she asked me if I wanted to come to her Bible study, and I said, Yeah, of course I will. Anyway, so every person I saw over this weekend, I actually gave them my presentation. I just thought the more people I can do it in front of, the more comfortable I will feel when I'm actually up at the change room doing this presentation. And so I did the presentation to mum and dad on Sunday night, and they really enjoyed it. There were no tears, which was actually surprising because I am quite vulnerable in that, and I know they don't listen to a lot of my podcasts as well. But um, then the next day, mum said, Oh, like Liz. So mum and dad call me Liz. Um, how do you feel about presenting it to Bible study? I said, Oh, look, I would love to be given that opportunity to present in front of women who I don't know. I've met a couple of them very briefly before, but I hadn't, I didn't know them. So for me, there was sort of no emotional connection other than mum. So I said, Look, but I don't want to tread on any people's toes. You've obviously already got your steady, your study set up and things like

Bible Study Trial Run Goes Deep

SPEAKER_00 6:43

that. Anyway, it went ahead, and it was the most incredible thing I have ever done. So there were eight women there, one of them being my mum, and I hooked it up to the TV. I specifically went and bought a new HDMI to USB C cord, and when I connected it, the TV was just laggy. So my clicker, I was um been trying to practice with my presentation clicker as well, so that wouldn't work, so then I had to use the laptop. I was sitting down, so it wasn't full proper presentation scenario, which I would be doing uh next week for the change room, but it was still amazing, but it went so so well, and it became emotional, which was difficult because mum was one of those ones who were getting emotional, and when I looked around, I saw that there weren't many dry eyes. There was at least half of them that were tearing up as I told them my story and gave this presentation. And I just want to say here that the presentation isn't a death by power point, it is literally my story, and I'm vulnerable and it's raw like I am every week in these episodes as well. But it got to a point where I looked at mum and I looked at her friend, and they were both very, very tearful, and I started to choke up myself, but I paused, I took a breath, and that in that moment was enough for me to keep going, and it was so nice to be able to get myself into that position where I was very emotional as well, but I was able to control myself. So being able to put that to the test in a real environment was so incredible, but it also taught me that I actually don't need to hide my emotions while presenting this because this is real. This isn't somebody else's story I'm talking about. This is mine, and these are the emotions, and this is what I had actually gone through. And I don't think I'm ever actually going to get to the point where my story isn't going to affect me, so I think there's power in knowing that I can become emotional during my presentation, but I have the tools in place that I can continue and moving forward with the presentation as well. And what I realized at the end of it is that my presentation had actually helped people there, and that for me is incredible. And the conversations and the reactions that I had with these women afterwards, what is what made me happiest at that time. It's not that I gave a good presentation. Like we all know that I can speak, um, I'm I could probably sell ice to Eskimo, but I think there's something more in being said that I can actually help another person. And don't get me wrong, I know that this podcast also helps other people because I still constantly receive messages of support and thanks and gratitude from people out there, and that is so humbling. But to know that my presentation is also providing that because I did have this thought of like what is the actual point of my presentation, and if I can offer somebody hope and be helpful in that process, well then that's what I need to do.

Identity Loss And A New Purpose

SPEAKER_00 10:12

And what really made me excited is that I walked away with that fire in my belly. I walked away knowing fuck, this is exactly what I want to do. And I've been talking about becoming a resilient speaker, and if I can make this long term, I'd love to be able to make that a part of what I want to do. Um, but doing that presentation in front of those women just affirmed that for me that this is this is something that I'm really drawn towards, this is something that I'm really passionate about. And it's for me, it's not about presenting in front of hundreds of people. And if I get to that point, incredible, but for me it was intimate. There were eight women there, and I was able to share my story and help nearly all of those people there as well. And I think it's important for me to realize as well, because my head and my dreaming certainly do get away with me, is that I don't need a huge audience to make an impact. And for me, that's incredible as well. And I think I've already touched on it a little bit in the beginning of this episode, but for me in the presentation, I like one of my questions is um, who the hell am I now? And I struggle with that after losing my policing career and that loss of identity and that grief as well. And Mad Mel's mic has become my way of finding my voice again, and that's been so incredible. And now speaking might just be another part of that puzzle, and it's giving me that purpose and that connection, and it is so exciting to discover something that gives me that fire in my belly again, and I'm not going to I don't know where this is gonna lead. Like, I might do my first presentation at the change room, and I might not be a fit for the program, which is completely fine, but I would love to be able to hope that what I can offer the program is something that I can offer on a long-term basis as well. Um, and I don't know where this is gonna lead, and that's okay. Um, and I'm literally giving a presentation about being unfinished and rebuilding my identity and finding purpose, and small steps matter, and me and the listeners not having everything figured out, but meanwhile, I'm still unfinished, I'm still rebuilding my identity, and I have no idea where this is going, but that that really, really excites me. Um, and maybe that's actually the whole point that this has given me purpose and connection again, and I have been able to find my identity again. And what's incredible is that I actually got asked um at Mum's Bible study like why I joined the cops, and I can't actually remember a reason that I wanted to join the cops. I do, however, remember my standard response from when I was a child was I want to carry a gun. And we actually spoke about this and laughed about this at a Bible study, and it was incredible how one woman understood that to me. She said to me something quite profound, and she said, Maybe you have a new gun now, and that gun is your voice. And I went, wow, isn't that amazing? Is that I have gone from a policing career where I have literally carried a gun on my hip, and now I am finding who I am in my life and in my world, and finding my way where I can help other people, and that my new gun is my voice, and I really hope that I can use it in the right way. I also feel like I'm I'm incredibly proud of the privilege I have been given to do this, but I also feel an enormous amount of pressure on that as well. But I actually don't think there needs to be any pressure because I'm doing it and I've been doing it for nearly two years now, and and this voice of mine is working, and I am finding my voice again. And look, I am not perfect, I am not finished, and I say that in my presentation, I am still rebuilding, and that is okay, and I think there's power in being unfinished, and I think if I can use my voice to help other people, that is an incredible opportunity, and one that I have that fire in my belly for, and one that I really want to strive to become a better person for that, and that better person may be warts and all. Like, I don't I don't I don't need to be any better because I have been given this opportunity now. And yes, a lot of these opportunities have been come because I am persistent, I am stubborn, I send messages and emails to people in the opposite side of the world, knowing that they will probably never get back to me, but hoping that maybe one person will, and then that potentially could open some incredible doors for me.

Sydney Nerves And Small Steps

SPEAKER_00 15:30

So moving into Sydney next week, I am nervous as hell, but I'm so excited. I'm I'm really, really looking forward to it, and it's gonna be different from how I've done my other practice presentations. I'll be standing, I will have the full screen behind me. Um, but I think I need to remember, and I am saying this out loud here, is that it's okay if I have to look at my notes because I am new to this, and that's fine. And my goal isn't to be a perfect professional speaker next week because I am not a professional speaker. I'm just Mel, just mad Mel, who sits behind a microphone every week and shares her story. And I think that's what I have to remember is that I am telling my story, and I know my story, I've lived it, and I'm hoping somebody there gets something out of it, and I actually think somebody will. Um, but I also need to learn the words, but I not lose the heart, and I don't think I will do that because I am so passionate about that. Um, but sometimes we don't know what the next version of life looks like for us. I certainly couldn't foresee any of this happening. And if you were to ask me, say three, four years ago, what my life would look like now, I can pretty much guarantee a podcast wasn't on the radar, let alone given this incredible opportunity to present my story in front of people. But I think it's important that we find something that gives us a spark. And for me, that is the podcast, and for me, that is this speaking, but for you it might be something completely different. Maybe getting out to something that you used to do or getting into something that you've always wanted to do. I think we just need to find something that gives us a reason to engage in life again, and we need to pay attention to those things that make us feel alive and make us feel excited and make us feel useful again. And you don't necessarily need to know where they're taking you, like you might just wake up one day and go, oh, I want to do this, and then in six, seven months' time you go, Oh wow, okay. That's what it is. And I think it's important for us to remember that your next small step is enough.

Thought Of The Week And Break

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Before we wrap up, let's get into the thought of the week. And the thought of the week is from our trusty steed, the book by Charlie Maxie and the boy and the mole, the fox and the horse. And this week it is. We have such a long way to go, sighed the boy. Yes, but look how far we've come, said the horse. And isn't that so fitting for this week's episode? And for last week's actually, and for my last actual cup of episodes, that it's not about looking what is to come and being overwhelmed by that, but sometimes I think it's very important to look back and see how far we've come. Thank you for tuning in to another episode. Have an incredible week. Oh, quickly before I go, I know this is going to be my last episode for probably a month or so. We're going on a family holiday, and I'm going to take a break after my presentation. I might put something up on my socials about how the presentation went, but um, in terms of new content for my podcast, I am taking a break. So I appreciate your understanding in that. So, like I said, have a very good week and please be kind to yourself. Thanks for tuning in to Mad Mail's Mike. I'm Melissa Smith, and I hope you've enjoyed listening. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and don't forget to like and follow. Have a great week, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.